Note: This is written to young ladies, but it can apply to young men also.
Finding good, solid friendships can be like mining for precious metal. It requires a plan, knowing where to look, and realizing not all that glitters is gold. I care for you and I seek to speak truth into your life by loving you with God’s love, honoring you, and making your best interest a priority. So I hope you read this entire note and can accept these words as wisdom to consider.
1. GUARD YOUR HEART FROM FAKE PURSUITS
You may have experienced several guys being interested in you. Chances are many of them are just drawn to your outward beauty and a desire to feel romantic. I’d steer clear of that sort of guy, because
- He tends to be superficial and doesn’t appreciate the real you inside. You have so many additional admirable qualities but he won’t make the effort to discover them.
- Mostly he tends to give in order to get. If he doesn’t feel like he is getting enough to satisfy his happiness he will leave you. In other words, the relationship was never about the two of you it was really just about him. It is based on his feeling good and not his commitment and sacrifice for you and your best.
- There is always someone more beautiful or something more desirable somewhere. Since a relationship with him is shallow and mostly about outward appearance it is spiced with toxic drama, suspicion, jealousy, and hurt feelings. It never takes root to grow and so it withers as soon as someone or something “better” comes along.
Guard your heart from vain, painful, and potentially destructive pursuits. A solid, lasting friendship cannot be built on physical attraction alone or just the desire to flirt, have fun, or feel happy. Those traits are temporary. They don’t last long and change quickly. You are not an object or prize for some guy’s gratification. You’re an amazing person because of who God made you to be. If a guy does not honor you like a princess then don’t waste your time in that relationship; it’s fool’s gold. You deserve much better. Instead friendships (with both guys and gals) should be built on a commitment to investing in each other and building each other up at the core of your being: mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Only then is it healthy, joyful, hopeful, exciting, and satisfying in a way that lasts.
2. GIVE GOD A CHANCE
God loved you first and loves you best. He has given you the ultimate gift of himself for you. There is no need to rush into other relationships. Give God a chance to meet your every need as only he can. He is the creator of the universe who knows what the future holds and who knows every intent of each heart. In a world vying for your affections, he is fighting for you and will lead you to the most wonderful friendships. Listen to him. Invest in getting to know God more than getting to know others. When you do, he rewards you in several powerful, blessed, life-changing ways:
- He teaches you how to love and be loved. His perfect love casts out all fear—fear of being accepted, fear of not being cared for, fear of not being happy and free, and fear of an unknown future.
- He enables you to discern who to become friends with (both guys and gals) and how to build those relationships into rich, enduring friendships. It takes time and wisdom to evaluate people. You don’t know what someone is really like until you see them in a variety of situations and under stress.
- He makes you the kind of person you are looking for in a friend. This is so important because as God is preparing various friends for you by molding their characters he needs to do the same in you so you are ready to contribute all that you can to make those friendships awesome.
- He brings special people into your life who you would have never found by searching on your own.
Remember that you become what you behold. So make Jesus your first and dearest love. Find your greatest pleasure in pleasing him. Then he is free to work in your heart and life to give you precious friends and make you a precious friend to them.
3. GENERATE A LIST AND GET THE ADVICE OF OTHERS
You probably have a list of things you look for in a friend. It’s good to also consult people you trust for an evaluation of potential friends. Sometimes they see things you don’t. Here are a few characteristics that might already be on your list or that you might want to add. Some of these are from the excellent advice in the Bible and some are from experience.
A friend should be virtuous:
- Just and kind (Proverbs 1:10–19)
- Wise (Proverbs 13:20; 14:7)
- Close and committed (Proverbs 18:24; 27:10)
- Teachable (Proverbs 9:9)
- Levelheaded and self-controlled, not easily angered (Proverbs 22:24)
- Honest (Proverbs 25:18)
- Trustworthy (Proverbs 25:19)
- Edifying (Proverbs 27:17)
- Gracious and forgiving (Matthew 6:14-15)
- Thankful and positive (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)
- Loving and obedient toward God (Psalm 63:1 and 73:25. This one is critical down the road someday when you are evaluating a boyfriend and future spouse.)
A friend should love like God–truly and unconditionally:
- Love is patient
- Love is kind
- Love does not envy
- Love does not boast
- Love is not proud
- Love does not dishonor others
- Love is not self-seeking
- Love is not easily angered
- Love keeps no record of wrongs
- Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
- Love always protects
- Love always trusts
- Love always hopes
- Love always perseveres
- Love never fails (1 Corinthians 13).
A friend should be fun and interesting (a little quirky is okay too):
- Enjoys some common interests with you
- Shares similar values
- Gives more than takes
- Is someone you can talk to and laugh with
- Has a natural curiosity about people and the world
- Serves others before himself or herself
- Shows sincere care for people and thinks the best of them
- Active in a variety of different things
- Open to learning new things
- Responsible, self-directed, and has a strong work ethic.
WHAT’S IMPOSSIBLE FOR US IS POSSIBLE WITH GOD
Even though there is more that could be added to this list, it’s already a tall order. Is anyone actually like this? Yes. Although we are all flawed, broken, and make mistakes, there are people of all ages who by God’s grace and help desire to be like this. These are the kind of friends we need in our lives and that we need to be. It takes God’s influence and help to find these people and build relationships with them.
I’m praying God helps you make precious, solid gold friendships, just like I pray this for my kids. One of my adopted sisters is not taking this advice. She’s panning for fool’s gold. It pains me to see her push God away and look for love in the wrong places. She suffers needlessly by settling for much less than what God wants to do in her and for her.
Thanks for reading this. Let me know what comments or questions you have. I’m happy to hear what you think and what you have learned about relationships that may be helpful to pass on to others.